A woman of many to do lists, constant ideas of efficiency and effectiveness and a touch of perfectionism mixed into the lot, I've really struggled with being enough. I have had many days when I've felt like I am not enough. This measuring stick held up by myself, but standards set by society, create a level of anxiety that for years I have struggled with. Despite crossing everything off on my to-do list, I still felt like I missed something vital, something that will make me "measure up more," but measure up to what? I could never find that end answer.
My mother has often inspired me to make decisions not based on tradition or guilt, but to do things motivated out of love, things propelled by a deeper purpose. She shared a blog link this past week that summed up my thoughts and feelings surrounding the idea that I'm not enough from Rachel Held Evans: Enough. She talks about being the ideal woman, referring to Proverbs 31. I'm not sure if you've ever read Proverbs 31, but after I read it for the first time, I knew I was doomed if that was how a truly Biblical woman lived. After the first couple verses where it talks about rising before dawn, I knew I was a goner. I'm working on mornings...
But hope is found when Rachel Held Evans continues and talks about another woman in the Bible, Ruth. Ruth was different. She didn't fit the mold and immediately I am in sync with what I'm reading. Yes, I am enough. In God's eyes, I am enough. I've been digging into God's grace, love and the idea- no, the
promise- that I'm made the way I am for a beautiful reason. When I
struggle with not being enough, when I feel inadequate, insecure,
boring, not skinny enough, love romantic or intimate enough, too messy
and unorganized, when I feel these things, I know it's wrong. I'm not
perfect and that's the beauty of me. To do lists and efficiencies aside, beautifully human is how I was made.