Friday, October 31, 2014

[ Finding Me ]

I have been a mum for 16 months and some extra days. I count from the months from when I knew I was pregnant until now because since I found out, I've been changing. I worked at a private Christian college and for the most part enjoyed my job. I enjoyed that it was both predictable yet had enough flexibility that a Type A person would still thrive and find their groove. I loved the people I worked with and learned so much about leaning into relationships and creating community where ever you are, that I am so thankful for my almost-3 years there.

Something changed when I found out I was pregnant. I began to see things a bit differently. Looking more towards the future, who I was becoming and what I would be after I had a baby. I was all about not letting Bitty Baby define me, and the fear that she would define me, was real, tangible and my biggest fear before having her. I wasn't worried about nursing, late nights, or knowing what to do when she was crying. I figured those answers would come as I needed them, or I would call upon the mothers I have in my life to figure out what I should do. I was fearful of who I would be once I no longer worked or had regular interactions with co-workers, friends and just grown-ups in general. I was excited to be a mum, excited for being the one that would have the opportunity to raise a little one to know and experience God's love, but I also wanted to continue to grow as an individual seeking out what God has called me to do.

Fast forward to Beckett Joy being almost 7 months old. This gal rocks my stinkin' socks off. Her personality is spunky, independent and loving. She is going to be fierce. I am so thankful I get to be her mum. She has taught me that I am stronger than I knew. That I have more love than I ever knew was possible. That I have so much more in me than I ever knew.

My fear of being defined by her has become less of a fear and more of a friend that keeps pushing me to discover new abilities and passions. My love for all things web, design, social media & all that wonderful jazz has begun to take shape in a way that I didn't even know was a possibility. I've been given ways to serve my local church and others in my life with what God has gifted me to do. It has made me realized that my fear of being defined by my Bitty Baby was a good thing. It's been a beautiful 7 months of lots of growing as an individiual, a wife and a mum. I love it and would not trade it for the world, even on the worst of days.

Fear can be a beautiful thing when you allow 
God to work through it to discover who you can be. 

And just because she's so dang cute, here's one more... just in case you read this with hopes of seeing Miss B!

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